Connecting With Kids Who Have Disengaged
Posted on January 8, 2016
– For Teachers and Parents
When I was teacher I found some students easier to get through to than others. Some students wanted to please adults so they would get on with what was asked with little or no complaint, some had a bit more of a rebellious streak and required more encouragement to do what was required. I loved the kids who were a challenge; they were, on the whole, good fun and it was really rewarding to see them shine.
Frustration
There was one child though (we’ll call her Sarah, though this was not her real name) who was a real challenge. She was sullen and unresponsive. I was her year nine teacher. Before teaching Sarah I was proud of the fact that I could work with any student no matter how difficult they appeared to be I seemed to have a knack of being able to get through to them, Sarah was different.
It wasn’t as though she was “naughty”, she had a bit of attitude but no more than any other girl her age, it was that she simply refused to do anything. In class she wouldn’t participate in any group activities or discussions, when work was handed out Sarah would literally sit at her desk and refuse to do it. She wouldn’t even pick up a pen or write her name. She would niggle at the other students and incite them to do silly things that would get them in trouble and she would sit back and enjoy the show. At lunch times I would see her sitting on her own, trying to give the impression of being tough. Her clothes were a reflection of the image that she was trying to present very gangster/ rap/ too cool for school.
I knew that there were some issues at home but compared to what I knew some other students had to deal with her family issues were quite minor. I called Sarah’s mother in for a meeting as I was keen to try anything to help her. I put forward some ideas as to how we could work together to help Sarah but her mother wasn’t interested, she said that Sarah had been like this for the past five years. She felt that everything had been tried and wasn’t interested in trying again. She’s given up.
The Day It All Changed
One day toward the end of the school year I was having a “fun day” with my class. We all brought in music to play while the students finished off their last bits and pieces for the year and we tidied the classroom ready for summer holidays. I didn’t expect to be teaching Sarah again and there was a part of me that felt relieved and another part of me that felt very disappointed that I hadn’t been able to get through to her, that another school year had slipped by and that she would simply be moved into the next grade as that was what her age dictated.
As I expected Sarah had not brought any music in to play but I had brought Pink Floyd “The Wall” in for her as I thought it was a song she would like. You know the one “We don’t need no education, We don’t need no thought control, No dark sarcasm in the classroom, HEY, TEACHER, Leave them kids alone, All in all you’re just another brick in the wall.” Well, she loved it! She simply thought this was the best song she’d ever heard. It seemed to get through to her in a way that nothing else did. It spoke her language.
From that moment on Sarah was a different student. The following year my role changed and I was fortunate enough to be teaching her for two classes a week. In those classes she participated, she did her work and if any other student gave me a hard time she was the first to jump on them. She even said one day “hey Miss, you’re cool”, this is very high praise from a then Year 10 girl who had been previously totally disengaged.
The Magic Pill
At the time I was so grateful to have been able to reach her but I didn’t really understand what it was that I had done. Basically, I took in a song that she liked and everything changed… Wow I thought, I wish I’d done that back in week one!! But it had been more a case of luck than by design that I’d been able to connect with her. So how could I replicate that in the future? Not every kid is going to be a Pink Floyd fan in the making…
After leaving teaching I spent years studying human behavior and I now believe I understand what I did that day that was so powerful, and even better I now know how to replicate it with any child, in fact every human young or old!
Up until the day that I played Sarah “The Wall” I had tried all that I knew to get through to her but in spite of everything it was only different and rehashed forms of what she had been experiencing for the past five years. Parents, teachers, psychologists all telling her that they were there to listen, I had tried talking, I had tried reward, I had tried punishment, I’d tried encouraging, I’d tried giving space and I’d tried getting her mother on board. Notice the pattern here “I’d tried”, and I had tried, everything I knew, I had tried for a whole year to mould this student to behave in a way that fit with the expectations of the school environment. What I had not done until that day was enter her world.
The song didn’t matter, it was the fact that I was the first person to say I see you, I respect who you are and you are awesome. I was the first person to enter her world rather than trying to mould her to mine!
I could have achieved the same thing by buying a hat like hers and wearing it backwards the way she did, it wasn’t the song; it was that I was willing to speak her language.
To reach anyone, child, teen or adult the secret is to enter their world on their terms. This is the ultimate form of respect! Once they see that you respect them just as they are then the door opens for the respect to be mutual.