I Don’t Look Gay
Posted on June 15, 2016
I Don’t Look Gay so “I Get Away With It”
I don’t look gay and so that makes me ok. I don’t look gay and so I can “get away with it”. I don’t look gay so I pass as “normal”, “acceptable”. I don’t look gay so I don’t challenge people’s preconceptions about how I should look, who I should be or who I should love. I don’t look gay, so I’m tolerated.
I’m cisgendered. Cisgendered means that I look, sound and act like what society expects from my gender. I’m a girl, a woman and I look, act and speak like a woman. I don’t get questioned when I go to the public bathroom and I don’t get funny looks when I’m buying clothes. I pass for normal. I’m invisible, I don’t challenge what people expect and so I’m OK and I can “get away with it”.
My experience of being gay is not that of being bullied or physically threatened (well not any more than any other woman). My experience of being gay is not being taunted when I use public rest rooms or when I engage in day-to-day activities. My experience of being gay is being invisible and that being invisible means that I’m ok. Being invisible means I can “get away with it”.
Teaching and living in a regional town in Western Australia known to have issues with racism and prejudice for six years taught me that as long as no one knew that my partner was female it was OK. I could keep “getting away with it”. Walking with my partner in public I learned as long as we didn’t hold hands, as long as we didn’t make it obvious that we were a couple as long as we were invisible then we would be tolerated.
For a long time I considered myself lucky!
Two women in a relationship seems to be easier for many people to deal with than two men, some how it’s less threatening. Perhaps this harks back to the days when Queen Victoria passed laws banning male homosexuality but not female homosexuality, some people believe that this was because she didn’t believe that lesbians existed. Perhaps it’s because the laws against homosexuality often exclude women and so again in the eyes of the law we were and are invisible and being invisible means we can “get away with it”. Being cisgendered means that I can get away with being myself without so many questions, without being leered at or being bullied. I don’t make people uncomfortable and so I’m ok.
When visiting Fiji on holiday with my wife (being gay is illegal in Fiji) most people asked if we were sisters. We don’t look anything like each other but we answered “yes”, if we’re sisters we can keep getting away with it. In 2014 my wife and I took our two kids to Dubai on holiday and again, we could get away with it as long as we didn’t make it obvious we were partners. We were married, we had our two children with us but as long as we were not seen to be a couple, a family we could be ignored and so we were ok.
So if we can “get away with it” what’s the problem?
The problem is that we shouldn’t have to “get away with it”. Getting away with it implies we’re doing something wrong, like we got away with passing notes behind the teachers back or we got away with sneaking vodka into a non alcoholic event in a water bottle. What do people really think we’re getting away with? Having a committed relationship with a partner who I love? Raising two children and juggling work, finances, school drop offs, childcare, friends, family, life? Enjoying overseas holidays in popular tourist destinations? Being able to walk down the road or go to the bathroom safely? Please, tell me which part of this I should have to “get away with”? Which part of this is not like any other people’s lives only they are not getting away with it, they are simply living their life.
The problem is for the people who don’t fit the cookie cutter mold, the people who don’t look, act and sound like society expects them to and as a result risk discrimination, persecution, bullying and physical violence.
The problem is the minute that we step out from behind the shadows, the minute we stop playing the game of being invisible we expose ourselves to prejudice, bullying, well-meaning people trying to “help”, “fix” or change us. The message that we are not ok just as we are is reinforced over and over. I’ve had abuse yelled at me when I was holding my partner’s hand walking along a beach, I’ve had a work colleague make very sexist, prejudice inappropriate comments, I’ve had my legal marriage to my wife referred to as a political stunt. I’ve been told by conservatives in the media that my relationship is not of equal value as that of a heterosexual couple. I’ve been told by the government that my relationship is not equal and in fact that the Australian people need to vote as to whether my relationship should be validated or not.
Consider the message we send to young people when shows like Play School can’t air an episode that shows two Mums taking their child to the zoo. What does that say to our kids about diversity? About families that don’t match the white, middle class Mum, Dad, 2.4 kids and a dog picture? What are we saying to young people if their family doesn’t fit that picture? As long as you blend in it will be ok? As long as we make ourselves look as normal as possible as much like that picture as possible, we’ll be ok, we’ll get away with it.
Mental Health Issues
The problem is that we’re taught that as long as we’re invisible we’re ok. As long as we pass as “normal” we can get away with being ourselves. I often work with young people with social issues, mental health issues and young people with disabilities and the same theory of invisible seems to apply. Some people think that it’s a compliment to say to the parents of a child with a disability “they look so normal you’d never know there was anything wrong with them”, in other words, they can pass as “normal”, they can become invisible they can get away with their disability, they can be acceptable, tolerated.
People struggling with mental health issues can get away with it as long as they can act “normal” as long as they can hide their illness and stay invisible they are acceptable and they can get away with it. If we don’t talk about the mental health issues, if we sweep them under the rug then somehow they don’t exist. As long as we suffer in silence and we don’t make others uncomfortable by talking about what we’re experiencing then we can fit in. We won’t be judged and we can get away with it.
People from different ethnic, religious and racial backgrounds can get away with it if no one notices. A Muslim can “get away with it” if they don’t bring attention to their religion through their clothing. People can get away with being themselves if the pigments in their skin are the correct shade regardless of their ancestry if their pigments are the right shade, if they have a “normal” name they can “get away with it”. If they can fly under the radar, not be noticed, if they can fit in and become invisible in a sea of white faces.
Women in Leadership
Women can get away with being leaders as long as they still fit the feminine profile, as long as they still meet our expectations of who and what a woman should be. As long as they have children and are a mother, as long as they are married. As long as they don’t aim too high, push too far. As long as they don’t challenge us too much on what we expect of a woman.
If we don’t make a fuss, if we don’t stand out, if we fade into the background and become invisible we can “get away with it”. If we don’t challenge people’s preconceived ideas of who we should be, if we lay low, keep quiet, keep a low profile, don’t let on about who we are, if we don’t make other people uncomfortable then we’re safe, then we’re ok, then we’re acceptable, tolerated we can pass as normal and “get away with it”.
This message seeps into every fibre of our beings, don’t stand out, don’t be different, don’t challenge the establishment.
And then we wonder…
- Why are our suicide rates for young people so high?
- Why are our young people so stressed and experiencing so much anxiety?
- Why are we hiding?
- Why are we struggling with our identity and feeling like we’re dead inside as we fight to get through another day, another week?
- What happened to all the enthusiasm, joy and love of life that we had when we were three years old?
- Why kids will do anything to fit in?
- Why are we so afraid of not being enough or not being loved?
- Why are we so afraid that we will not be accepted or we will not fit in?
We’ve been sold a great lie that says that who we are is not enough and we’re passing this lie on to the next generation. We’re teaching our kids that who they are needs to be hidden. We’re teaching our kids to become invisible, that they need to shrink, to fit in. That they can get away with being themselves as long as they do it quietly!
Is this what we really want for ourselves? Is this what we really want for the next generation, for the young people following in our footsteps? Or do we want them to stand tall? To be proud and to really love themselves and who they are?